GRIEF (10)
We can't go over it. We can't go under it. We've got to go through it!
Disclaimer: It is about loss & healing, I thought to mention it for someone who wouldn't want to go deep emotionally. I had a hard time processing it once but now that I'm comfortable sharing it, I'll try to pen it down with justice.
In the past decade what I have learned mostly comes from a place of grief. There’s learning from the happy side as well, but that's what’s expected. At least, what I expected it to be.
Learning and growing through Grief was an unknown realm that I never thought I would come to terms with.
I have learned that ' ever, never & anymore' are flawed concepts.
Because there are ages and phases in life that are attuned with one milestone but are out of tune in other phases and ages.
In line with what I just shared about ever, never and anymore, it didn’t happen to me. I certainly have used ‘Ever, Never & Anymore’ more than once and you will find one instance here.
For the longest time, I shelved the idea of death. There are rulings and Allah's decree in the reality of death, otherwise, I would have thought I misheard it.
I didn't use to cry in the event of grief and loss. It would take ages for me to accept it and begin my grieving phase.
Until my brother’s daughter was born still, I couldn't understand my continuous tears. I couldn't comprehend why I wasn't able to hold back. Was it because my younger brother buried her first one or for my sister-in-law or because I couldn't get to hold my first niece?
It hurt.
When my nana left us, I realised how all of a sudden we left what we couldn't leave when they were with us. I had a picture of my sister having tea outside his room just a couple of days before he passed away. I wanted to see through the wall every time I looked at that picture.
It hurt.
I couldn't see on the other side when my brother passed away. I wanted to change the course, the place, I wanted to take my family away from the loss. Little did I know that we have a little bit of our loved ones who passed away living in us. Hence, there isn't any going away but to endure it.
It hurt.
But when my mum returned to her Rabb after her second spell of tumour. With the illness so stubborn, she managed her days gracefully packed with immense gratitude. As much as we weren't naive, we prayed for a miracle until she couldn't make it by one Dhur's Azaan and was buried by Asr the same day.
I was humbled to perform her ghusl, dressing and making dua for her. My whole life flashed back, she used to help me dress up when I was little. The miracle did happen! and Allah helped me to see the blessing, grace and dignity in my loss that day. I somehow found closure and peace in the reality of death.
I still grieve but it doesn't hurt me anymore.
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Allah yirhamhom... Your realization about going full circle with your dear Mama is so poignant. May your grief be lessened and may your reward be great, aameen, aameen.
Kiran- Thanks for sharing this. And for talking about what for most, still is an impossible subject. Grief is so complex. Few talk about it, and my guess is because of the personal sacrifice one must go through to even talk about it. When someone talk about difficult losses, in some ways it's a reliving of that grief. Which is a journey most avoid. Including the exhaustion and the blurriness that come with it. But what gives me hope about grief is that--since so much of our lives are learned through contrasts--it almost exists to make its opposite all the lighter. Hard to explain, but I'm sure you know what I mean. Your writing reflects this hope. :)